got bruises on my heart

untruthful

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 03:41:43 GMT

i hardly ever feel bad. it's terrible isn't it? but right now i do. have you ever thought you knew someone, but then you found out you really didn't? i think we've all been there in someway or another. i know i have. in good ways & in bad. you find out honest people lie, and that happy people cry. but have you ever found out that sad people smile & that "liars" are sometimes really honest & not liars at all. i think that's worse, because you've used energy hating them or loathing them or being jealous of them or finding ways in your head to prove to yourself that you're better than that. & then you realize that they're just like you. & you don't hate them or loathe them. & you're not jealous of them. & you realize you never really were & that you just need an object to transfer your confusion onto so that you had something solid. something you could be sure of.

but now i have things figured out.
i feel terrible for that mess.
i want to take every feeling back.
i want to tell the truth this time.
i want to be honest.

just seeing her, seeing she's a real person & not some evil maniac. & talking to her through text online... a highly impersonal medium, yet effective in displaying honesty. & i couldn't be all the way honest. b/c i have said mean things about her. although in a way i was honest, because they really weren't about her. they were really anger at myself. for not being happy & content. & i realized that i am happy & content. & today i want to start over. i want to stop wasting energy on hate & jealousy & discontent. & i want to start putting that energy into conquering passivity & into productive projects...but mostly into compassion and love, not just for those close to me, but to everyone. & i want to save these words i've written down so that i never forget this point in my life. because even though it was over a small thing, it seems to be creating a big change.

if you ever read, i think you might know who you are. & i'm sorry for any crap i've talked about you. & i'm sorry for lying to you on that dumb little survey. i just couldn't bring myself to say yes. b/c i'm being truthful in saying it wasn't you i talked crap about. it was really me. & you were my medium. & part of me hopes you read this. & part me hopes you never find this. but either way, i want you to know that i'm changing & if you ever want to tell me that thing you've wanted to tell me, i'm all open to it. because there's tons i'm dying to tell you. & i hardly even know you. but i know you're a good person because he wouldn't be with someone who wasn't a good person. & i'm happy for you. i hope you can be happy for me too. & put all of this behind us.

there is a time to learn
this is my time to learn

note: sorry for the rambling. i had to get it out.

senior year--a bittersweet tragedy

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 02:43:45 GMT

tomorrow it all begins
the drama, the fights
the friendships, the studying all night

but i don't know where to start
tomorrow i'll be thrown in one last time
tomorrow's the very last first time

i blinked.
three years went by.
we're seniors now
it's our year to fly

i remember freshmen year
i remember it like it was yesterday
i remember feeling excited & scared
as i conquered the hallways on my very first day

& i remember being a sophomore
a year of changes and growing up
not on the top, but not on the bottom
feeling invisible...but half of my time is already up

i remember junior year flying by
study groups and parking passes
first loves and cars so fast
i never wanted it to end-
but like all good things it did

& senior year...it's staring me in the eyes
daring me to blink
waiting for it's chance to fly by

but i want it to last forever
i don't want things to disappear (the way they always do)
i want to live it up & love it
i always want to hang out with the same groups

& oh i know we have to conquer the world
and every cap & gown picture i pose for
is only one step closer
to the day that i know we'll conquer the world

so tomorrow is the beginning
the beginning of the end
& for these next 9 months
we're going to have to learn to pretend

to pretend our lives aren't rapidly changing
to pretend these friendships will never be lost
to pretend our lovers will be lovers forever
to pretend this world of ours won't be lost

& we pretend for a reason
for memories and laughs
for good times and great friends
from day one to the very last
(((millisecond)))

class of 2006
let's live, love, & laugh it off
let's party hard & ace the tests
let's throw it up--06...what?

die young & save yourself

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 21:33:58 GMT

i have a headache
& a $300 cell phone bill.

your secrets are safe, but printed on postcards

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 16:45:57 GMT

so i read in the paper today about this man, Frank Warren who creates postcards based on secrets people tell him. you can send him your own, or look through other people's secrets. check it out--you won't regret it.

just take a look... there's sad ones, funny ones, absurd ones, and at least one that you can relate to.

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

money makes the world go round

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 23:26:57 GMT

i can't believe michael jackson was found not guilty on all counts.
what has our country come to?
sorry...i just had to rant

i <333 sushi

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 00:35:53 GMT

so summer's finally sunk into my bones. the long, hot days full of suntanning and swimming and sushi eating and watching pointless tv shows b/c there's nothing else to do have finally settled inside of me. & i haven't much to write about, since this summer is all together, pretty much simple. but i thought i'd write anyway. & the more i think about it, the more unsure i become about why i started this...hmmm

goodbye, may

Tue, 31 May 2005 14:55:26 GMT

one more month--come&gone. i don't have pretty words today. i haven't for awhile. i've been finding myself a little bit bored lately. i wish i could go back to france again--there were always people there to make me laugh. but summer's not so bad. i don't miss getting up early for school every morning & cramming for AP exams. but in a way i do miss the laughs you get there. i mean it's centennial--things are so ridiculous that you have to learn to laugh about it if you want to have a decent four years of your life. but anyway, i guess i'm just missing the excitment from those wasted weekends spent doing nothing productive whatsoever. hmm--i suppose i'll write something later when i'm more awake.

late nights and dandelion wine

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:21:04 GMT

& i'm starting to miss those days in which i was so innocent. the days in which science was nonexistant and i never needed money. the days where i played with all the boys but that was all--we were all just friends. you remember those times, don't you? the times when you woke up to the sunlight streaming through your window, and you were anxious to get out of bed, eat a bowl of sugary cereal, and go play with you friends..especially that one friend. you know, that best friend? that you thought would be your friend forever, because, why wouldn't you be friends forever? but then something came along and the two of you grew apart and something came between you, and now you're not exactly friends forever anymore... & do you remember watching cartoons on saturday mornings? scooby doo and rugrats? and do you remember when you were so excited to go to school and meet a whole group of new friends, and if you were really lucky you could be the teacher's helper and you could help pass things out? do you remember all of the big kids that seemed so intimidating because they seemed to know everything, but really, truly, you looked up to them? & now we are the big kids, and we realize we don't know everything...because maybe, really, when we were little kids, innocent and naive, we knew and understood so much more than we know now. & it's impossible to go back. bikes turned into cars and sand buckets turned into cell phones. chores turned into jobs and nobody really wants to go to school in the mornings. our alarm clocks wake us up and the sun isn't even out yet. there's no time to eat a bowl of cereal and really, there's not much time to watch tv. most of us don't believe in friends forever anymore. love has broken all of our hearts and our eyes have cried too many tears. we have emotional scars, and some of us even have physical scars. our parents don't have all the answers, and ironically, the innocent little kids are who we look up to. it seems like the world is slipping through my hands & some part of me wishes i was sheltered and that i could go back to when things were just simple again. when thomas the tank engine could make my morning and my dad could make everything all better...

life is sucking.

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 19:27:18 GMT

long story short: my parents are verrry suspiscious of me right now. i had to clean out my room today & go through my journals. if this unexpectedly gets deleted, that's probably why.
life is sucking.
this sucks.

gotta get outta here

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 00:58:30 GMT

i need to get out. so bad.
i'm bored out of my mind.
this isn't a good way to
wrap up winter break.
kill me quick.
love,me

nothing new.

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 21:09:26 GMT

so winter break's stealth is quickly being discovered. it's slipping away from all of us much too quickly. & as i look at all of my english homework that i didn't even touch, this coming week doesn't look like it's filled with too much promise. but i'm looking forward to it in a way, anyway. maybe i'll try harder in this second semester, or maybe i'll just party more. maybe i'll start actually getting ready for school, or maybe i'll just come whenever i feel like it in the mornings. i'm not ready for winter break to end, but in some weird way i'm looking forward to seeing my friends again at school & being away from home ((not that i've been here much anyway)). & i'm already looking forward to pulling off my ferris bueller's day off this year. maybe it won't be so bad... & maybe there'll be lots of snow days. maybe it'll be beautiful.

please, pass the vodka

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 23:49:34 GMT

this last week has been...so akward. stressing out about exams and getting in trouble at work. not having enough time to write & always being gone from my house ((& getting in trouble for that too)). being so stressed with everything i have to get done before christmas. it's not my life. i don't know who's it is, but it's purely insane. so i don't really know what to do with my few free minutes i have right now. i suppose i'll do something.

what i really need is to just get out & party hard. drink to feel free again. or maybe just sleep. but for some reason sleeping even doesn't sound good to me anymore. i've been so caught up with everything that i've lost myself. i hate when this happens.

i know-you don't agree

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 22:19:47 GMT

i guess sometimes i used to forget that my life has nothing to do with anyone else's. & so why would i care what people think of my choices? & i'm starting to realize you find your real friends when you figure all this out. & i think i know who's my real friend now. & i figured everything out in this mixed up mind of mine. everything's getting straightened out.

caught beneath a landslide..
in the sky
so i have something worth being myself for. summertime's in bloom. yes, in the middle of december. & my heart is burning. so much of life is making your own choices & soaking everything up. oh i know-i get so stressed out too & i know all my choices aren't always "right". but don't you ever just get lost in music. lost in a song ...in the guitar & the lyrics & the sound. don't you ever realize that maybe life is so simple? & that love is so simple? & that the only complicated thing is to simply trust yourself & believe in yourself & your decisions? it's so beautiful.

...i know-you don't agree.
nobody does.
but this is me.
this is who i am.

i'm all yours.

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 22:07:05 GMT

saturday night.
everything's still a little blurry. still amazing. sometimes the most beautiful things are supposed to be kept secrets. this is no exception. & it kills me not to be able to explain any of it, even if i could. all i can say is that...it was amazing. if you have my bloop journal, i wrote about that night. um b/c i could. but anyway the party i was at at the beginning of the night...the kid who threw it got caught by his parents the next day. he has no car & no cell phone right anymore. i feel so incredibly bad for him.

this weekend was fxcking amazing. & i think the school week should, um, go to hell pretty much. just b/c i have better things to do. hell yeah.

love,alyssa

the down is getting near

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 05:11:15 GMT

i guess i'm going to update b/c i should. b/c this is one of the only times i write-when i'm in this mood. the down is coming. the headache is setting in. i didn't get an amazing amount of h/w accomplished, but i guess i got enough done considering i've mostly talked to him and cleaned all night.

i way sitting in my closet the other night, and reading my walls. last year i went through my journal on bloopdiary and picked out paragraphs that i thought were pretty or expressed what i was feeling really well. i picked out things i thought were worth reading. worth relating to. & i wrote them out on paper & taped them to the wall. & nobody ever sees it, but me. it's not that i wouldn't let them..it's just nobody has ever looked. & it made me kind of miss the days i used to sit down and just write my heart and soul out. & tears would be streaming down my face & i'd just write more & more & faster & faster. & eventually the words helped everything to fade. & lately my writing has become more of something i just do. i don't feel it as much anymore, although i still love it. i guess i just miss the passion & the emotion. & every now & then a hint of it will come out. i guess i just miss the feeling of seeing your deepest feelings spilled out into letters and words.

for some odd reason i don't really want to go to sleep tonight, even though i'm getting tired. sometimes i feel kinda of lonely when i'm falling asleep by myself. i lay in bed on top of my covers, staring at the glow of my christmas lights, thinking about love & life & passion & things going on in my life. the things i can't control, and the things that i'm not exactly sure how they'll end up. i think about them and soak them up and live in memories and dreams because you can't just do that over anything. & i still feel alone but maybe thinking about the way i feel when i fall asleep with him makes me feel a little better. or maybe it makes me miss him a little more. but i do it either way.

things are so simple now. people are saying it's too sweet to last. but maybe, really, things are complicated & maybe we just accepted that, and moved on to something better. something that seems much more simple. something that we hope will last. i hope it'll last.

sometimes i hate the way i write so vaugely about things. trying to express emotion without presenting the cause. it's hard to understand, and hard to write. but for some reason, it's the only way i can write. isn't that odd?

i'm so looking forward to the weekend.
bloody wicked, baby.

when i'm sleeping
i'm thinking of you.

the smart pill

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 23:13:27 GMT

okay i know i don't have much time to write-well i probably do but i'll update more later. i'm in one of those focused/weird moods right now which, may i say, is pure amazing. b/c it just is. & i'm excited about the party this weekend & being with my secret lover. just b/c he's amazing. i know nobody cares b/c nobody knows who he is & if you do shhh! but everything is going really great this time. sometimes i feel like i'm too clingy & stuff but then in a way i feel really good. like i'm still independent but compleatly into him. i love the feeling i get when i'm around him. & i really just like the person he is. which means everything to me b/c i only think that about a very few people in my life. i can think of 3 ((including him)) off the top of my head. awesome. anyway though, i have so much h/w to do b/c i've really been putting it off lately & i'm in one of those amazing moods that i can do it. & i just cleaned out my car & that = yay. awesome. anyway, ummm tomorrow's friday. hell yeah! i might go see a movie. && i'm dying trying to think of what to get two people in particular for xmas b/c i just have no ideas. really. well i have one good one & that's it & i'll do it but it's really small so yeah. okay sorry this is so random but ....that's what pills do to you. my bad. my bad.
love,alyssa
p.s.

the weekend's almost here!</h>

she'll cry her porcelain tears....

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 00:49:00 GMT

...i have a secret
& i'm scaring myself.
don't you find it funny
how quickly something can consume you?

<333, me

a.red.bracelet

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 23:24:14 GMT

so him & i had another beautiful night last night...just sitting in my car & listening to vanessa carlton & gwen stefani. i love the way he'll do things like that with me. & i love the way we can both have fun just talking & being with each other. i hate how my parents wouldn't approve if they knew. & i hate how my friends wouldn't understand. but i love being with him. so it's worth it. & we both have our secrets. we are a secret.

& since when did everything
have to be so
complicated?

christmas is just around the corner. it's time for candycane kisses & gingerbread lips. shopping & snowflakes & sweaters & scarves. & that christmas mix tape i've never listened to.

dear december,
i'm dying for you.

darling, i'm all yours

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 02:25:14 GMT

save me someone. i need to get out & have a good time. today had me bored to death, so i slept until he called me. but he called me. & that rocked. & so does the new vanessa carlton cd. someone, call me for a good time. :)

darling, hurry up

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 03:32:46 GMT

i'm ready for a wild night again. a wicked party. a killer night with a certain boy. even just staying out til 4am with some friends doing pointless things. but no, it's thanksgiving & everyone's with family & stuff. not me. oh well. maybe tomorrow? or saturday?

i miss him terribly

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 22:58:12 GMT

& your lips felt like november's secrets
even though the wind outside held december's cold
& maybe we're stuck somewhere in the middle
somewhere between chistmas pastels & autumn bolds.

bubble.pop.electric

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 20:57:42 GMT

me & boarding school emo boy had fun shopping today. i think i spent 2 hours in hot topic. & i got groovy shades. gwen stefani's new CD makes me turn pink. & pink is the new black. hell yeah. i'm in a creative mood & i think i'm gonna make a killer collage for my room.

go buy gwen's new CD. it's wicked.

the shape of your heart

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 06:38:33 GMT

what's going through my mind? the minute i kissed you, a title wave of of everything that was between us, everything i had repressed, everything i had burried, crushed me. weakend me. in a beautiful way. and at the same time, every nostalgic thought was dragged away from me. because i gave in. & i couldn't have it any other way. laying in your car tonight, i felt awake & alive for the first time in days.

you are my drug.

i've always wanted that kiss. that one that makes me fall away from myself and become what was around me. to become you, the soft music, the lightning, the cool rain. snow white & cinderella set high expectations. but the dynamic between two hearts, secretly in love, surpasses any fairytale walt disney could have ever made.

feeling peaceful & content, truely content, is sublime.

i've missed you. i care about you so much sometimes that it scares me...but i wouldn't change it for the world. we're a secret & i know as well as you do that it's hard sometimes. but maybe it gives us an edge. and after tonight i know that we can't give up. that we can't hold on too tight. that we can't let this slip away. i know that this isn't the typical high school romance. my heart is jumping into this, giving not a second thought to my mind's warnings. let's not end up broken again. it's a whole new me. a whole new you.

a whole new us.

smart pills?

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 06:24:40 GMT

my stomach hurts. i haven't been sleeping much. there's just not enough hours in the day. & tomorrow i have tests & work. i hope i don't get sick. but thanksgiving break will be amazing. or at least i'm telling myself that. something, anything to get me through tomorrow. i know, i should be in bed. i'm going there soon i think. but for the first time in a long time school is actually important to me. b/c i can't get grounded to my house. i don't know what i'd do. & i know i don't really have friends anymore. they've changed & i've changed. but i still like going out. i need it.

people do crazy things for what they need.

hellllll yeah

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 18:35:36 GMT

hell yeah for parties. & hell yeah for last night.
!!!